Hi.

Hi. Just saying Hi.

Bye.

We are FAMILY...

Sooooo, it's only natural that I feel the need to write after a brand spanking new experience like yesterday.

I just got a strong urge to close this and not continue writing but I'm going to anyway...

Basically, I know I want to have my own family. How crazy is it that I've been battling myself for wanting one?! I've been making myself think I'm insane for wanting a family; which is even more ridiculous. I had a talk with my friend, Meg, a couple of months ago. We were out at some bar and I was telling her how I wanted to get married and have/raise kids and I was encouraging her to think I was crazy for wanting that. Obviously, she didn't-- she thinks I'm crazy for other reasons. ;)

We all come from dysfunctional families in one way or another. For a looooooooooooooong time I told myself that I never wanted kids or to even get married. I just wanted to travel the world and be the crazy aunt that my nieces and nephews always wanted to come stay with. I still want the latter part but with my own family too.

Part of me, I think, was hoping that with a Nanny job I would get my fill of being around kids and not want my own. Of course yesterday was my first day with this particular family so my feelings could easily change. It was not all rainbows, laughing, and butterflies either. Much of it was the complete opposite actually. A few sayings that stood out from the day: "What the HELL?" "Ow, my penis!" "Just sit tight. I'm trying to maneuver around moody people, like I always do." A lot of ignorning, strange looks, dry humor, and some playing in between that mix also. I love that stuff though; as strange as it sounds, that stuff makes me happy because it's REAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL. I hate when people put on shows (and of course they tried some) but the truth was peering through. I would like to comment on the parent's relationship with each other but I think I should spend more time with them before I start with that. I love being around couples because I'm interested in how they interact with each other.

So, I'm in the process of telling myself that it is okay that I want a monogamous relationship and kids at some point in time. It's weird because I feel like I want it soon. I want to be ready though. I have the desire for sure but I don't think I'm ready yet. The reason I know I'm not is because if I could magically have my life the way I wanted it tomorrow, kids wouldn't be in the picture yet. My life partner would but not the kids, not yet. I have to make sure I want it all for the right reasons. Financial stability is somewhat important to me. It sure as hell is not everything though. If I was with someone and we made each other laugh and were truly in love with each other, I would be totally fine with living in a trailer somewhere. Yesterday was a great example of how money doesn't buy happiness. The mom is miserable. Oops, I already commented. Anyway, I hate when people have kids because of a lack of love they feel in other areas of their life. So why do I want kids? To have a positive contribution on society? I don't know that they will end up being that. Why do people decide they want families? I'm really curious. If you have a family and you are reading this I would like to know why you decided to do that.

I don't even have a boyfriend, I think I'm getting ahead of myself here. :) haha, I probably won't for a long time after reading this too. haha. That's okay though, I'm fine with weeding out some. I'm trying to remember this line from a movie that usually is crystal clear in my memory. In its essence, it explains that families happen based on timing not necessarily love. I want it all though. Love, timing, yea. Is that too much to want?! I don't think so.


Enough from me.

Treats with Strangers I.

So, NY is always entertaining. Riding the train is always an experience. I have had several interesting encounters on my rides around the city. I want to start writing about all of these treats with strangers.

After work tonight, I took a stroll down Court Street in Cobble Hill and wandered into a cozy, inviting little bookstore. Then I bought a coffee and hopped on the F train heading uptown to Delancey/Essex St.

Upon entering the train, I noticed the car wasn't too packed which is always nice. Sometimes being so physically close to other people makes me extremely uncomfortable. A lot of times I will choose to stand even if there is an empty seat because I don't want to be next to anyone. Then, I don't really like standing because I feel like the center of attention. ha. Usually I have my headphones on and I turn my back to everyone and just look out the window or read to avoid uncomfortableness. Note, this isn't always the case as my story will illustrate.

Tonight, I sat down on the train, did not have my headphones on and was looking around checking out the people surrounding me. To my right, a section over, there were 2 kids (a brother and sister), their dad, and a stranger sitting beside them. Across from them was another man sitting by himself. The 2 kids were commanding everyone's attention on the train; with their wild, untameable energy (especially the little girl). They were running back and forth through the car on the train, oblivious to anyone around them. The little girl was spinning around on the pole. Then they were standing on the seats and the little girl was leaping from the seat into the middle of the floor. The father did nothing but mildly tell his children to stop. Once he told them to stop, they became more energetic and louder. THEN the little girl jumps on the man sitting beside her. I could tell he was extremely uncomfortable but did a nervous laugh. I sort of bursted out laughing; it was just so ABSURD! The man sitting across from them also started laughing. The man who was jumped on then says to the man sitting across from him, "haha, watch, you're next." The little girl apparently liked the sound of that because then she started kneeling down in front of the man across from her and leaped onto him while making animal sounds. hahahahahahahahahaha. I seriously could not believe my eyes. That man responded very cool though and just laughed it off. The little girl liked him and kept doing this flying leap thing repeatedly. I'm just watching and laughing to myself. I was so curious to see how this man would respond to these kids. The little girl then starts climbing on him and play biting his hand. He is still very cool and is laughing and playing with her. Then the brother comes over and is doing the same thing. Now, the dad is watching his two kids across from him climb all over this stranger. This went on for about 6 stops. When, Essex/Delancey stop came up the man was coincidentally getting off there too. He told the kids he had to go and the 3 of them were genuinely sad. They both hugged him tight, gave him high fives, frowned and said goodbye.

I am walking off the train and this man is now walking beside me and I'm thinking, "I need to tell this guy how amazing he just was with those kids." I look at him and say, "so you made some new friends." He smiled back and said, "yea, those were great kids." I'm laughing and telling him how unbelievable what I just witnessed was. He is agreeing and we continue chatting. I told him how amazing his response was to them. Now, we are on the platform to take our next train, and it becomes slightly awkward and we say bye to each other. I'm thinking how hilarious it is that we just said "bye" to each other when we're still on the same platform and there was no reason we should really have stopped talking. We both walk different directions. At this point, I'm in my own little world; watching people make-out, whatever. Well, that man comes back up to me and he asks, "excuse me, do you have a boyfriend?" I lie and say, "yes."

NOTE: I always lie and tell strangers I have a boyfriend in case they are weird (not in a good way) and I have that as a back-up.

Then he says, "ahhh. Are you happy?" I continue lying and I say, "yea." He said, "that's good. As long as you're happy. Happiness is so important." I agree and I asked him if he was happy and he laughs and says no. He told me how he just got out of a recent relationship and how draining it was because his girlfriend was so negative. We begin a brief discussion about relationships upon entering our train. We stand against the doors and continue chatting. He was extremely easy to talk to, witty, and cute. We talked about where we lived and his stop was 4 before mine. He says, "I know you have a boyfriend but I still think we should exchange numbers." I laugh and asked "why?" He flirts and says "we can be friends." He asks, "do you like to go running? we can work-out together." hahahaha. I told him I was into yoga... and how I do like to run but not around my neighborhood. He's asking me about my program at school and we just discuss life in general. Then he asks me again if he can get my number and I agreed and I told him, "JUST friends." He smiles and tells me that I'm beautiful and how he noticed me when I first walked on the train but the kids distracted him. He also said that he noticed me laughing at him. He calls me right then to be sure that I gave him the right number, haha. I asked, "did you really think I gave you the wrong number?" He said, "girls lie." !!!!!!!!!!!!!! So hilarious because I already lied to him about having a boyfriend. I rebuttal and ask "okay and guys don't?!" He says, "no, you girls are good." It's like he was seeing right through me. His stop comes up and he says "well, I guess this is goodbye." I'm pretty sure he wanted to hug me but I shook his hand and told Tony that it was nice meeting him. He said he would call me soon and I said, "Okay, FRIEND." He laughed and walked off.

Then everyone was staring at me when he left because most people could hear our conversation.

Anyway, moments like those, those are the ones I thrive off of. All of them.

"Cancer"

This writing/ photo collage is about my struggle with having different forms of Cancer (ranging from the disease to men). Perhaps these Cancer men are a part of the disease too? ha. My grandmother was diagnosed with breast cancer almost a year ago as well. I guess I should tell you the mark on my arm in the photos is where I had Melanoma and they had to cut down to my bone to remove the cancer. I'm sure you already know what the Astrological Cancer sign is which is in the photos as well.

It was just something that was on my mind at the time, ya know?

I've been rereading The Perks of Being A Wallflower over the past week. You know when something is so amazing that no matter what you say the words just won't do it justice, so you're silent? That's how I feel about this book; even the second time around reading it. I was talking to a friend about this around the time I started rereading it. He said that he wanted to reread it and he remembered it being really sad. The first time I read it, I think I was too sad to realize how sad it actually was. I just remember feeling refreshed and like it was the most genuine thing I had ever laid my eyes on. This time around, I guess I'm not that sad anymore because it's taking me a lot longer to read and I'm realizing just how sad the situations are... In any case, again I would love to tell you amazing it is but I just can't find the justifiable words.

Reading this book has also inspired other artistic ideas; ones that I plan to put into action when I'm back in VA in a few weeks. Ones that I can't wait to share.

If you have more questions about the "Cancer" piece, feel free to ask. Maybe I won't be so vague when we're speaking one on one.

:)
Shells

Hi!

Sometimes I don't know if I should be typing on this or writing in my oh so pretty journal that is sitting to the right of me on my desk. I've written in it a lot the past few nights and I probably will end this night doing the same. The paper smell is too irresistible.

So? Stuff.

Miranda July is coming out with a new film, yay! From what I've read there is already plenty of bad commentary, which probably means I will gush over it even harder! She is magical. I've yet to find an artist such as her that can make every waking moment of life beautiful even it when it's not. BUT IT IS. Does that make sense? She encompasses all of the awkward reality and transforms it into pure beauty. I love her brain.

I LOVE BRAINZ.

I'm insanely sore from hot yoga yesterday, such a lovely sore though. My muscles are thanking me for working them so vigorously.

What else?

This song, One More Mouth, by Josh Ritter, is phenomenal:

Sing along with it!!

Honey how you gonna make it on your own?
Honey how you gonna make it on your own?
When you wake up in the night
And see the stars just city lights
And you can't find home?

You act like you don't need nobody else
And you dance like you don't need nobody else
And all the other moths need light
To circle round while you just fly
Around yourself

Oh I stir my sugar with a spoon
And watch your white dress float around the room
I try to see what you're about
But even my candles are down and out

Honey why you gotta hide your face from me?
Honey why you gotta hide your face from me?
Will I starve in this eclipse while you treat every hungry kiss
Like one more mouth to feed?


(This is a super cheesy video made by a fan).

This song has served as a huge inspiration for me.

Speaking of which, I've been doing a lot of writing lately. I go through stages. If you read my previous entries, you can see that very thing. One of my dear friends who used to keep up with my writings pretty often asked why I didn't get into lyric writing. Well, guess what?! Now I am! I've transformed a few things. It's fun.

I always wonder if writing is a good or bad thing for me though. Even though, deep down, I always know the answer. Writing puts things into perspective for me, it can make real what I want to (unconsciously) avoid. Why should anyone ever want to avoid anything?! Let's just progress and learn from it all, eh?! Easier said than done, I know. But you have to try.

I miss a couple of people. Maybe I miss the illusions. I don't know.

I'm delighted to say that Niki Metzger and I have a new project coming out!! I'm not giving away any details except you'll know more on Monday. :) It's nice distracting myself with what I really want to be doing; being creatively productive. Certain people have inspired me. :)

I wanted to tell you something else. Don't hold back. Go for what you want.

THAT'S A FAMILY!

I've been wanting to tell some of my parental friends about this film I watched a couple of weeks ago in class. Non-parental friends, you can know about this too. EVERYONE should know about it. It's called, "That's A Family!" (every time I say that in my head I say it with an Italian accent). It was simple, informative, and encompassed all types of families. This is a film that all young children should watch beginning in Kindergarten or 1st grade. I totally am buying this for my 7 year old nephew. It's inexpensive too! You can order the film from respectforall.org.

Here is a glimpse:



Basically, it mentions how any combination of family is "normal" ranging from various ethnic backgrounds, sexual orientation, and (non) biological families. It is done in a very elementary way and is just simply beautiful. There is a lifetime of information to be taught in this 30 minute film. Help people progress and share it with others. See, look, you can learn what I pay a fortune for right here for freeeeeee! ;)

I had an interesting chat with my neighbor the other night. I like him. He's a few decades older than me and was raised here in Brooklyn. I guess you could say he lived a "hard knock" life. He has 4 biological kids I think and 4 others that he and his wife adopted? Ehhh, I think I have that right. Basically, he has a lot of kids to take care of. So he came over the other night to hang with my roomies and he wanted my opinion on a situation that happened in his 11 year old's 5th grade class. He told me that his son brought home a book that was assigned by the teacher about an adolescent gay boy. I want to say it was called The Rainbow Way? Well, my neighbor's son started asking him about being gay. My neighbor was HEATED that the school gave this to his son to read. My neighbor basically wanted me to agree that what the school did was wrong. I understood where my neighbor was coming from and just really his upbringing which would make him feel the way that he did. My neighbor was also more concerned with the fact that the book would turn his son gay. hahahahahahahaha. I had to laugh at that and politely shared my view with him that reading a book wasn't going to turn his son gay. I know there are lots of argumentative views on this topic but personally I think being gay has more to do with a biological predisposition. Anywho, I was able to break down to him that if anything the book was just going to teach his son how to be more receptive and appreciative to people who are "different" from him and stressed that I thought that was what the teacher's motives were too. Not only with gay people but different ethnicities, socioeconomic backgrounds, etc. I mean his son is growing up in NYC; land of misfits. The only part I agreed that I would have been upset with is if there was explicit sexual content in the book and the parent's were never notified of that. His son is in 5th grade. I think that's when Sex Ed class started for me? Parents had to approve of the education though. Kids are developing so much younger these days though and having sexual encounters from ridiculously young ages, especially here. I know it happens everywhere but there is something different about growing up in Brooklyn I think that I'm learning. It's amazing and terrifying what my Landlord's 4 year old daughter already knows about city life. I went on longer than I intended to about that. ;)

What else should you know?

Ummmmm... Dancing is fun. Go do it if you haven't today.

I'm trying to narrow down my thesis topic. It's going to be biofeedback related; I just can't decide which medium I want to relate it to. Music? Images? Illusions? We'll see. I guarantee you it will be awesome though.

BUY THE FILM!

Big ol' hugs,
Shells

Ryan Adams - Somehow Someday(Live)

mmmmm... these lyrics.... mmmmmmmmmmm.

I want to tell you something
That I should've, long ago
I wish that you and I had those kids
Maybe bought us that home
I wish that we were stumbling fast
Down on Irving and 14th Street
I wish that we were still in your room
In your bed and you were holding me

'Cause there ain't no way I'll ever stop from lovin' you now
There ain't no way I'll ever stop from lovin' you now
No there ain't no way and I'm gonna try and show you somehow
Somehow, and I'm gonna someday

I dreamt that you and I were still young
Laughing like little kids
I'll never know just how bad it hurt
Or what I did
I wish that we were stumbling fast
Down on Irving and 6th
I wish we were still making plans
But now, there's nothing to fix

But there ain't no way I'll ever stop from lovin' you now
There ain't no way I'll ever stop from lovin' you now
No, there ain't no way and I'm gonna try and show you somehow
Somehow, and I'm gonna someday

Someday...Someday
Ah honey, someday