Break-ups and shit. ;)

For some reason I think this excerpt is necessary. I don't want pity for any of my stories, haha. I just want you to learn something. Deal?

We all have been in love (hopefully) and have probably had our hearts broken a time or two. My heart was in shreds after this last person I dated, and it didn't help that he was my best friend beforehand. It felt like there was a big gaping hole inside of me and sometimes it just hurt to breathe. I honestly don't know how I had enough fluid in my body to produce all of the tears. Maybe it's because I drink so much water??? Anyway, thankfully, I knew right away after the break-up that I didn't want to fill my giant void with just anything or anyone.

In retrospect, I feel like I've done that often in the past. It isn't always a conscious thing, but it happens. I went through my partying, wreckless phase after a couple of boyfriends and sort-of relationships. Sometimes that's necessary to realize that's not how you want to be. I'll write lots of good stories about them, with names changed of course. ;) It is so important to me though, for me to just be comfortable with myself after something painful happens. For the most part I am satisfied with who I am as a person, although I know there's always more that I can do.

This heartbreaking shit happens everyday. Often times, you feel lonely and you're just looking for some instant gratification to feel better. You know what my instant gratification was?! Well I didn't have my effing camera, but it's okay, it worked out. It was reading and listening to instrumental cd's. I didn't want lyrics to taunt me. Dance songs are always fun so I just can't sit still. ;)

Of course I got my girlfriends' opinions when I was mourning after the break-up. They are so wonderful by the way and truly listen. I'm thankful for them everyday. A couple of them said what I had feared. They're like "Michelle, you always have a guy. You always have a BFF guy that you talk to about everything..." Then in a lot of cases, we usually end up more than friends. I didn't want that noooooooooo way, not this time! Maybe because that's a lot of how the previous one happened. So I got this stubborn attitude that I was only going to write about it and talk to my girlfriends about the situation, and of course pray. I pray all the time. NO GUYS THOUGH! haha. I remember for a long time guys were who I primarily hung out with. Maybe it just gets different as you mature.

I think my point is.. I like to be in tune with myself, whatever painful way I have to get there. It's worth it. So these past few months I have been working on me and I continue to do just that. Of course I still have my guy friends.. I still love you guys, but my outlets are in other places now. I've gone on a couple of dates... going on one this Friday actually. Oh, my point. Don't just fill your empty hole with anything if you really want to work on yourself. The hurt that that will cause in the long run is treacherous. This was a challenge for me too, because I'm not a selfish person. It took some deep digging for me to remember what I want to do.

Ohhhhh anddddd I just got my new camera!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'll be able to play with it in a week or so after I get some other priorities done.

If you read all this, ummm, I hope it made sense.

Time to work out with Carmen Electra! woop woop!

Take care of yourselves,
Shells <3