The Shack. :)

Wow! What a story! I feel so cleansed after having read that. Part of that may be because it inspired me to set a few things straight that I had done in the past and wasn't proud of. Ironically enough, I feel like setting those things straight may have also been selfish of me, something I never wanted to be. Deep down I feel like it is never too late for the truth and truthfully is the natural way to be living. "Living the truth will set you free," right? I wish I felt better then.

There were a couple of things I lied about and I am not proud of, and to one of the most important people in my life. That's something I have to forgive myself for now. I just didn't want him to have any misconceptions of me. In all honesty, only part of it was for my benefit; I really felt like he needed to know I'm not as good as he thinks I am. Why would I do that? I don't know. Perhaps I'm being too hard on myself.

I can only live now and be the best that I can be.

I wouldn't be surprised if any of you who have read this book, impulsively ran off and tried to right a wrong in your life. It may be painful, but it's never too late to start living right. The power of this story is incredible.

My faith has been strong for a while now. I always feel like it needs to be stronger and I'm not sure how to get there. I'm trying. This book really feels like if I were having a conversation with God, God would have said the same things. I know in my heart that so much of this is true.

For a long time, I felt inferior because I wasn't as educated in religion. Growing up I was never interested in it. I had one parent who made fun of it constantly and one who struggled to keep my sisters and I interested, but gave up. I always believed in God but there was no relationship. I love the point that this book illustrates about how God would say that institutionalized religion doesn't ultimately matter. What institutionalized religion emphasizes is expectations. I've always felt this way and I think that is why I steered clear of going to church a lot. Something about it seems awkward and hierarchial to me. It's like somewhere in there it becomes about what other people are thinking of you, when that doesn't even matter. What matters is your own personal relationship with God. Don't get me wrong I love churches, but in small doses, and the type of church I'm in is irrelevant.

I want to mention a couple of inspiring excerpts from the book, but these won't even begin to cover the brilliance of the story.

This first one is God speaking,

"Consider our little friend here. Most birds were created to fly. Being grounded for them is a limitation within their ability to fly, not the other way around. You, on the other hand, were created to be loved. So for you to live as if you were unloved is a limitation, not the other way around..... Living unloved is like clipping a bird's wings and removing its ability to fly. Not something I want for you. Mack, pain has a way of clipping our wings and keeping us from being able to fly. And if left unresolved for very long, you can almost forget that you were ever created to fly in the first place.."

I love the logical statements of fact. It all seems so simple when reasoned this way. A bit about good vs. "evil"...

God (Sarayu) speaking again,

"You must give up your right to decide what is good and evil on your own terms. That is a hard pill to swallow; choosing to only live in me. To do that you must know me enough to trust me and learn to rest in my inherent goodness. Evil is a word we use to describe the absence of Good, just as we use the word darkness to describe the absence of Life. Both evil and darkness can only be understood in relation to Light and Good; they do not have any actual existence. I am Light and I am Good. I am Love and there is no darkness in me. Light and Good actually exist. So, removing yourself from me will plunge you into darkness. Declaring independence will result in evil because apart from me, you can only draw upon yourself. That is death because you have separated yourself from me: Life."

*Just like in Phsyics, where cold doesn't actually exist. Cold is simply the absence of heat.

Read this. :) http://www.theshackbook.com/index.html

I love wind= Sarayu.

Holy Love...

I love everything about this song.



When you love, I can feel your love
Shooting holes in my stupid pride
When you love, I don’t fear your love
Of all the angels you are the most divine

Holy love,
You can really have anything you want from me
Anything you ask me to, I’ll do
We can live in poverty or prosperity
Anything impossible, I’ll try
You can really have everything you ask, and I’ll be intimate with you Giving everything over, to making everything right

Holy love
When you love, I can feel your love
Shooting holes in my stupid pride
When you love, I don’t fear your love
Of all the angels you are the most divine

Holy love
You can really make anyone you want of me
Anyone you need tonight, I’ll be
Whether you want empathy, animosity
An enemy or company, call me
I can even be nothing if you ask, I'll turn invisible for you
I’m the bird on your shoulder singing psalms through the night

Of holy love
When you love, I can feel your love
Throwing rocks throught the windows of a monastery
Love
Makes me feel the super extra gravity
Of god, yeah!
And life..

When you love, I can feel your love
Of all the angels you are the most divine.

Beautiful....

"I'll tell you a secret. Something they don't teach you in your temple. The Gods envy us. They envy us because we're mortal, because any moment might be our last. Everything is more beautiful because we're doomed. You will never be lovelier than you are now. We will never be here again." - Achilles

I don't completely agree with the last sentence, but in some ways I do. I don't really feel like explaining it now either. I have xhtml and css books calling my name!

Ciao! <3

Picking the scabs.

Well. I feel like I should probably be handwriting this entry in my own private journal. But what the hell?! Truthfully, I don't care who knows what about me.

Healing is a funny and deceiving thing. I'm just too anxious I suppose, jumping in head first without thinking thoroughly. Even your mind can play tricks on you though. Maybe that's the problem as Tolle said in his book "A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment," we all trust our minds too much. Sometimes I really wish I were an animal, no emotions, just survival.

I did mention I believe that I was going on a date this past Friday. It didn't end up working out. Little did I know someone was saying a prayer for me the night before that helped me realize what was right and wrong. An amazing sister she is! I have a feeling a lot of people pray for me, I can feel it. I appreciate all of the protection. I send it out your way too. :)

In some ways I feel like I've been set back. All of this pain resurfaced after this guy. I don't ever remember feeling pain like that after I met someone new. I guess that was my big RED flag. GOT IT! It just made me realize I wasn't ready and am not as healed as my mind thinks I am.

I'm too anxious to learn. Maybe that's why this situation happened? Well, what I got from it is I don't wanna date for a LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG time. ha, kidding! ...eh, kind of. ;)

Why do you guys pop up when I'm not ready, huh? Then again, I don't know if I'll ever be ready. Who's ever "ready?" Life just happens.

I do know I miss my old BFF. Terribly.

I'll be okay though... I have to be. Why the hell did I start reading Meyers' books? I just finished Eclipse. One more left and I'm totally in love with Edward's character, like every other girl in the world. siiiiiiiiiigh.

I had great dreams last night. I prayed to sleep peacefully before bed... I've been having some extremely intense dreams lately, feeling restless when I awake.


I want something sweet.........

Oh, let those wounds heal! I'm trying!

Feel like melting?

Her voice always does the trick... mmmm Nina. :)

It's rare for me to find bands where I love lyrics just as much as the music or vice versa. Definitely hard to find an all-in-one. This band never ever lets me down though. Their lyrics are so genuine. Sure, I like the riddle lyrics too; but their stuff is just real, gets to the point.

This song is beautiful and so is their guitarist (on the left). I feel like a bloody idiot because I can't remember his name right now... Google it. :)

The Cardigans- "In The Round":





Thanks Pandora!

It's days like today...

That I wish I could walk around naked outside.. That make me feel alive. Walking outside with your hair thrown around relentlessly, wrapped up in your face, uncontrollable, the wind by your side.... Watching the wind test the trees' stamina....

We're just along for the ride.

Break-ups and shit. ;)

For some reason I think this excerpt is necessary. I don't want pity for any of my stories, haha. I just want you to learn something. Deal?

We all have been in love (hopefully) and have probably had our hearts broken a time or two. My heart was in shreds after this last person I dated, and it didn't help that he was my best friend beforehand. It felt like there was a big gaping hole inside of me and sometimes it just hurt to breathe. I honestly don't know how I had enough fluid in my body to produce all of the tears. Maybe it's because I drink so much water??? Anyway, thankfully, I knew right away after the break-up that I didn't want to fill my giant void with just anything or anyone.

In retrospect, I feel like I've done that often in the past. It isn't always a conscious thing, but it happens. I went through my partying, wreckless phase after a couple of boyfriends and sort-of relationships. Sometimes that's necessary to realize that's not how you want to be. I'll write lots of good stories about them, with names changed of course. ;) It is so important to me though, for me to just be comfortable with myself after something painful happens. For the most part I am satisfied with who I am as a person, although I know there's always more that I can do.

This heartbreaking shit happens everyday. Often times, you feel lonely and you're just looking for some instant gratification to feel better. You know what my instant gratification was?! Well I didn't have my effing camera, but it's okay, it worked out. It was reading and listening to instrumental cd's. I didn't want lyrics to taunt me. Dance songs are always fun so I just can't sit still. ;)

Of course I got my girlfriends' opinions when I was mourning after the break-up. They are so wonderful by the way and truly listen. I'm thankful for them everyday. A couple of them said what I had feared. They're like "Michelle, you always have a guy. You always have a BFF guy that you talk to about everything..." Then in a lot of cases, we usually end up more than friends. I didn't want that noooooooooo way, not this time! Maybe because that's a lot of how the previous one happened. So I got this stubborn attitude that I was only going to write about it and talk to my girlfriends about the situation, and of course pray. I pray all the time. NO GUYS THOUGH! haha. I remember for a long time guys were who I primarily hung out with. Maybe it just gets different as you mature.

I think my point is.. I like to be in tune with myself, whatever painful way I have to get there. It's worth it. So these past few months I have been working on me and I continue to do just that. Of course I still have my guy friends.. I still love you guys, but my outlets are in other places now. I've gone on a couple of dates... going on one this Friday actually. Oh, my point. Don't just fill your empty hole with anything if you really want to work on yourself. The hurt that that will cause in the long run is treacherous. This was a challenge for me too, because I'm not a selfish person. It took some deep digging for me to remember what I want to do.

Ohhhhh anddddd I just got my new camera!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'll be able to play with it in a week or so after I get some other priorities done.

If you read all this, ummm, I hope it made sense.

Time to work out with Carmen Electra! woop woop!

Take care of yourselves,
Shells <3